Heart Transplant

God has really been working on my heart and attitude lately, especially when it comes to my relationship with my 3 1/2-year-old son.

I was starting to see some tendencies and behaviors in my son that bothered me. For example, he can have an awful temper at times, and lashes out with spitting and hitting. (My boy is normally gentle and quiet ... unless you rub him the wrong way.) When my sweet boy suddenly does a "Mr. Hyde" and swings at me with his fists, I quickly get angry myself.

I know that it is my duty as a parent to be authoritative. However, I am also learning that there is a fine line between being authoritative and being controlling. I cannot let my son get away with hitting or spitting. But I am realizing that I can't simply punish him every time he throws a fit either. I also need to look for the root of his anger.

I think my preschooler is feeling frustrated because I often say "no" to him. As a parent, there are many times I have to say "no" in order to protect my son. But if I am honest, I also say "no" a lot because I just don't want to be inconvenienced.

"No, we can't go to the park (because I don't want to slather you with greasy sunscreen and wash grass stains out of your pants)."

"No, you can't stay up during nap time (because I want to read my book in peace)."

"No, you can't help me wash the dishes (because it's much faster if I just do them by myself)."

As I examine my heart motives, I am starting to realize that I often say "no" to my son for selfish reasons. I sometimes control him. I think he gets angry and frustrated because he feels his ideas are worthless.

For the past few weeks I have been working on giving up control, while still being lovingly authoritative. I have been trying to let my son make more decisions for himself. I have been treating him as a "big boy". I have also been trying to give him lots of hugs, kisses and affection.

One area I have given up control is nap time. My son still needs an afternoon nap some days, but other days he is fine without one. In the past I would order him to bed at the stroke of 1pm, and punish him if he fooled around instead of sleeping. For the past couple of weeks, I have given him the choice to nap. Some afternoons he sleeps in his own bed, sometimes he snuggles in my bed, and other days we have a "quiet time" together reading books or colouring pictures. Nap time is no longer a struggle.

As I work on my relationship with my son, God is slowly showing me more areas of my heart that need work. It is as though He is gently drawing back a veil, shining light on corners of my heart I wasn't even aware of. God is revealing my areas of weakness. But I believe He is also, by the Holy Spirit, giving me strategies for how to change.

I want to be a woman of character and grace. God is taking my prayer seriously, I think. He is showing me where I am weak --- the areas that need work. I am praying that God would give me a "heart of flesh and not stone", but I am somewhat apprehensive about receiving His answer to my prayer. Building character is seldom pleasant and easy. Strong iron is forged through the fire.

These days are strange for me. At the same time I feel myself growing both stronger and weaker. Physically, I have more energy and stamina than I've had in months. My head is clear (most days). Some days I feel like "Supermom"! However, I also feel so weak in a lot of ways. God is shining a bright spotlight on my flaws and deficiencies.

But God is faithful. He has started a good work in me and I have faith He will bring it to completion. God gave me a strategy for dealing with my son's anger issues, and I am seeing results. We have had four terrific days in a row. God is softening my heart --- replacing my defective human heart with His perfect heart of love. It's a really difficult process that will continue until the day I go home to heaven.

All the hard work and tears are worth it, though. With God's help, I want to be the best mom I can be. I want my children to look at me and see Jesus.

So it's less of my and more of You, Lord. My son makes me crazy most days. I pray that You would help me to love him unselfishly and abundantly, as You love me.