Don't Try This at Home

The recipe claimed to produce "The Best Oatmeal Ever".

The recipe lied.

Inspired by yesterday's trip to the Highland Games, I decided to serve my family oatmeal for breakfast. I found a recipe for tasty crock pot oatmeal. The instructions were simple: mix milk, oatmeal, sugar, apples, salt and cinnamon; turn the crock pot on low before going to bed; enjoy a hot, hearty breakfast in the morning.

I followed the instructions and turned on my crock pot at eleven.

In the wee hours of the morning I woke up to a delicious aroma. "Mmm," I sleepily mused, "That oatmeal is smelling good." I silently patted myself on the back for my immense culinary prowess and foresight.

At seven thirty the clock radio blared "God of Wonders" and rudely snapped me from my dreamland. I groaned as waves of nausea rolled over my body. What was that awful smell?!

I threw on my robe and staggered down the stairs, where my worst suspicions were confirmed. My sweet, bubbling oatmeal, my culinary masterpiece, my ode to efficient home economics, was reduced to a blackened mass of charcoal in the bottom of the crock pot. Delicious breakfast my eye.

I gagged and threw open all the windows. The crock pot was quickly banished to the patio, but the terrible aroma of burnt oatmeal stubbornly lingered throughout the house. (My family was forced to eat cheerios for breakfast instead.)

Burnt oatmeal and morning sickness is a combination I sincerely do not recommend.